Shopping at Nordstrom Rack while bloated into false pregnancy

  • You ever wake up depressed and decide you need to go shopping? Well that was me yesterday.

    I was feeling a little blue - not crazy sad or anything, just being a sad broad who probably needed a good rogering.

    This is my guided to shopping at Nordsrom Rack while bloated like a washed up sperm whale on the beach.

    First of all, you must ignore in-store mirrors in profile view. They will rob you of your dignity as a human being. Second, you must try to resist eying up all the hot girls shopping there and thinking you can pull off what they're wearing. You can't. I mean, I can - but I'm a sexy bitch. This guide is for normal women.

    Go into the store and keep your game face on. This is not a stroll through the park, this is battle. War. You need to keep focused. What did I come in here for? Work clothes? Keep on your game.

    You'll see all kinds of things that look cute and you'll want to buy them. Then you'll look at the price tag and head over to the $30 and under rack. It's just how it is.

    Once you have all of your stuff, go home to try them on. Most of it won't fit. The rest will look like crap on you. One in ten things is a keeper. However, the next day try those jeans on again. You might have lost 13 inches of bloat overnight - which is what happened to me this morning.

    Now that you have a bunch of stuff that you LOVED but just needed one size bigger, go online and order those things! I did that with two button up tops. Just LOVED the tops - and I knew I was in between sizes when I was buying them yesterday, but they didn't have the next size up. Don't you hate that? You find the best fucking top you ever saw in your life and they have every size and color except your size/color.

    That's where online comes in. You've fired your arrow and came SO close to the mark. Now you need to assess and regroup. This is a war and you only lost one small battle. It's not your fault that you're fat and stupid - you just need to work with the cards you have.

    Hope some of this helps!